I Wish...

How must I say this
How to say it the right way
FOr every moment Ive been through
Every single seconds of the day

I Never thought it could be dis way
Never knew it'd ended already
I never wish for it to happen
But it did, much too early

Still I cant forget you
Cant get you out of my mind
Damn this stupid feeling
So deep It hurts inside

Tried to laugh and crack few jokes
Manage to laugh but just minor ones
Scorny face so solemn and blue
Feel like shooting my head with a gun

Suffer a lot, never knew it could be
Never knew Im so weak, Oh Lord, this is not me
I dont cry over others, no way, no siree
But over him, my tears flow freely

Need to act happy, must draw a smile
Need to stay strong, act like Im cool
Cant face others, ashamed of myself
Cant return to normal, I becoming a fool

I wish he is back again by my side
Cant imagine him with another girl in his arms
When its suppose to be me there
But people changes, Im left alone and alarmed

Just wish he is mine again
Wish to cuddle together again
Wish he'll kiss my forehead again
Wish he'll hold my hands again

Just wish he confesses to me again
Wish he'll sleep next to me again
Only wish Ill hear "I love you" again
Wish that He's my Sayang again...

Letting Go

"If u love him,
Let him go.
If he's destined to be urs,
He'll come back.
If he doesnt come back,
He's never yours."

These words I've heard long time ago.
Never tot I'd apply it in my life.
I love you so much all I want is ur happiness.
Im letting u go... Just fly away...

It hurts so much to let him go.
But I have to, not cos I want to...
If only I can keep him inside a glass box, I will...
But he's a human being...
A boy with feelings...
My heart really had broken to pieces...
Tears falling down each time Im alone...
Sometimes even when Im in public...
So embarassing but lost control of it...
Lost control of something meaningful in my life...
Lost control of my own feeling...
Emotionally unstable but have to overcome it...
A week passed by but still can't manage myself...
Im not myself...
I tend to make others hate me now...
Feel like if everybody hate me, then I can go quietly...
But I just cant... Guilt is present...
I dont know what else I can do...
Discussed it with him...
He told me to forget him...
I dont want to...
I refuse to...
But I have to...
I hate it soooo much...
He's so meaningful for me...
He's a part of my life now...
Not only he's my boyfriend, he's also my brother n a best friend...
Its so hard to let him go as a bf...
O, how I wish this never happened...
That he never leave my side...
That he never have to go back...
That he never told me he loves me...
That Ive never met him...
That Ive never came to Perak...
That Ive only been dreaming this whole time...

But in reality, Im really suffering...
From myself... Ive become needy...
I need him in my life...
Dont ask me why, I really dont know...
All I know is I really love him...
I wonder if all this time he had said it,
When he told me that he loves me...
Are those for real?
How can he say all of those then forget about me?
How can he say all of those without thinking how I'd feel?
How can he say those to me then left me?
All the memories I've had with him...
All those I cant just throw away...
I tried throwing them away but they came back eventually...
Everywhere I go, I can see his face...
Everywhere I turn, I think of him...
He's everywhere... Everywhere...

I dont think that I can get him out of my mind...
I really care about him...
I really do, sooo much...
I just wish that he doesnt forget about me completely...
I wish he'll always remember the good times we've had together...
I wish he'll never regret the times we've spent together...
I dont want to forget this meaningful event...
He never hurt me, just this once...
This one time only...
Although it hurts so much but he means no harm...
I still love him... Love really hurts...
I think I may hate love...
I just dont know how I should act...
I dont how what to feel...
I need support but from whom???
All I can do is write here and pray to God...
Im much of an egoist to tell others...
Im afraid they'll laugh at me...
Afraid they make fun of me...
Afraid they cant understand me...
Tried to tell him but afraid he'll hate me...
Afraid he'll get angry...
Im afraid Ill act stupid...
Im afraid of everything now...
Dear God, please help me...

Oh God, I pray to You...
Please help me...
Help me to ease my mind...
Clear my mind of this event...
Help me to calm down and rest my mind...
If he's not for me then help me forget about him...
If this is one of Your trial for me, help me get through it...
Dear God, please protect him wherever he is...
Whatever his decisions are, help me to accept them...
Just need You to help give me strength and to catch me each time I fall...
Help me get back on my feet...
He left my side but I hope You wont...
He left my side but please take care of him...
He left my side but I hope You wont leave him...
Stay by him and guide him to the right path...
Please do the same thing to me too...
Thank You so much... I love YOU...

It's Over!!!

3months and 3day... Then, it's over...!!!
As sudden as he told me that he loves me...
As sudden too did he left me...
My heart broken to thousand pieces...
I lost him! I lost him! I lost him..!
I dont believe it... I lost him!!!!!!
Im not forgiving myself cos I know it's part my fault...
Dear God, plis give me strength to stay strong...
Many suicidal plan is playing in my mind...
Im unable 2 normally control myself...
Just a little bit more over the edge, Ill lose it...!
Just bring on the temptation, Ill accept it...!
Plis... I really love him...
Even if he's no longer my Syg...,
Plis protect him... Bring him back to the right path...
Plis God... I really do care about him...
I dont mind if he's not feeling the same...
I just want him to be happy...
Take good care of him for me ya...
I love YOU...

Wat a relief...

He might not know dis, but my worry was about to get critical...

Wat a relief dat he had finally replied my msgs...

All my heart content...

I poured on this blog's carpet...

All but only for my own way of expressing...

The expression of self thoughts...

The thoughts I just cant seem to share with anyone else...

Thank you God so very much...

Finally he responded to me...

Im thankful he's ok...

So very glad dat he's alright...

Thank you so much for everything...

Thank you for listening to my prayers...

Sorry Lord, for all the doubts I had...

Doubts bout myself n bout him...

Felt so foolish of wat I thought...

Felt so angry that I was stupid...

So very pissed I ever doubted him...

But Lord, u sent ur Angles down to me...

Told me to hold them all in...

Keep them to myself...

U told me to wait...

So I wont make stupid decisions...

And Im so very glad dat U did...

Thank U Lord for everything...

Thank You Lord...

I LOVE U, King of all kings...

Silence.......................................

Just like dat!

Without even a single word!

My Sayang is playing a game.

A game of silent words.

Sayang went silent for so long.

Honey feels terribly upset.

Crying all night

Trying to figure wats wrong.

Worrying all day

Scared dat he's all alone.

Not a word did he said

N he just went silent.

Its not dat I doubt him

Its not dat I'm cautious.

Its just dat I care so much.

Afraid dat he's in trouble.

I left messages and I called.

None replied and non answered.

Worried so much.

Feel so sad and blue.

Dont mind if he no cares bout me

Dont care if he forgots bout me.

All I want is for him to say hi.

To say dat he's okay.

I want to talk

I want to tell sumone

I want to express my feelings

But I just cant

Its not fair for him

They might missunderstood him

So I kept everything inside

All my worries I hide

Only here do I write

A space where my feelings flood

Love him so much

Cant bear to scold him

Even though my heart hurts so much

I can only blame my self...

All I want to know is my Sayang is alright.

Please... I nid 2 get news from u...

Plis God... Help me overcome my feelings...

Help me stop worrying...